Saturday, September 18, 2010

The POOP Wars

The poop wars were declared in April 2010 when my son turned 3.  We or shall I say, I, an army of one was not aware that the three year old had read "The Art of War" in utero.  He was prepared.
The art of war is governed by five constant factors, all of which need to be taken into account. They are: the Moral Law; Heaven; Earth; the Commander; Method and discipline,
The Moral Law causes the people to be in complete accord with their ruler.  Strike one.  He and I are NOT working toward the same goal.
Heaven signifies night and day, cold and heat, times and seasons.  Yeah, so maybe potty training during the lazy, hot summer was NOT in accordance with his plan to just chill.
Earth comprises distances, great and small; danger and security: open ground and narrow passes; the chances of life and death.  It's really not that far a trip to the bathroom and NO THE TOILET WILL NOT SUCK YOU IN.
The Commander stands for the virtues of wisdom, sincerity, benevolence, courage, and strictness.  Promising him a train from the Thomas collection was not effective.  Neither was begging "please."  Nor was threatening to leave him in the bathroom until he pooped.
By Method and discipline are to be understood the marshaling of the army in its proper subdivisions, the gradations of rank among the officers, the maintenance of roads by which supplies may reach the army, and the control of military expenditure. NO, my husband didn't always help.  Inconsistency within the army itself leads to failure (MY OWN WORDS).
These five factors should be familiar to every general. He who knows them will be victorious; he who knows them not will fail.  I KNOW THEM NOT.
Pardon me while I run out to BJ's to buy yet another box of 128 size 6 diapers.

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