The poop wars were declared in April 2010 when my son turned 3. We or shall I say, I, an army of one was not aware that the three year old had read "The Art of War" in utero. He was prepared.
The art of war is governed by five constant factors, all of which need to be taken into account. They are: the Moral Law; Heaven; Earth; the Commander; Method and discipline,
The Moral Law causes the people to be in complete accord with their ruler. Strike one. He and I are NOT working toward the same goal.
Heaven signifies night and day, cold and heat, times and seasons. Yeah, so maybe potty training during the lazy, hot summer was NOT in accordance with his plan to just chill.
Earth comprises distances, great and small; danger and security: open ground and narrow passes; the chances of life and death. It's really not that far a trip to the bathroom and NO THE TOILET WILL NOT SUCK YOU IN.
The Commander stands for the virtues of wisdom, sincerity, benevolence, courage, and strictness. Promising him a train from the Thomas collection was not effective. Neither was begging "please." Nor was threatening to leave him in the bathroom until he pooped.
By Method and discipline are to be understood the marshaling of the army in its proper subdivisions, the gradations of rank among the officers, the maintenance of roads by which supplies may reach the army, and the control of military expenditure. NO, my husband didn't always help. Inconsistency within the army itself leads to failure (MY OWN WORDS).
These five factors should be familiar to every general. He who knows them will be victorious; he who knows them not will fail. I KNOW THEM NOT.
Pardon me while I run out to BJ's to buy yet another box of 128 size 6 diapers.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
A REAL Cover Letter
I found this cover letter I wrote years ago when I was looking for a job. Keep it real!
Listen,
I am currently looking for a job so I can make some money to feed my husband and daughter. I really need a job soon because staying home doesn't generate funds. Also, I need some place to wear all of my clothes. It's quite depressing to watch this fabulous wardrobe hang in my closet with no place to go. Additionally, I've recently brought some shoes that I would love to wear outside the house.
Attached you will find my resume. I am nothing short of a miracle worker, having worked in DC public schools. You can see that I worked with some ghetto ass kids. Although my title reads teacher, I was also a mother, nurse/doctor (all types from anesthesiologist to ear, nose and throat specialist), psychologist, and dentist (yes, I had to pull out a tooth). I should be able to get any job in New York after surviving that gig.
The adults in the building were equally as ghetto and unqualified. They were, however, certifiable. They also could not dress if their life depended on it, which made for very difficult work days. I should have gotten a medal for working with them and having to look at them, but I digress.
My volunteer work as well as my previous experiences demonstrate my strange affinity toward working with poor families. I understand that you have some, so naturally, I will be happy to work with them.
I can be reached at my cell phone, however, I may or may not pick up seeing as I have Sprint. It depends on what room I am in and if the phone service is up and running. It's hit or miss. I expect to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Josephine Hall
Listen,
I am currently looking for a job so I can make some money to feed my husband and daughter. I really need a job soon because staying home doesn't generate funds. Also, I need some place to wear all of my clothes. It's quite depressing to watch this fabulous wardrobe hang in my closet with no place to go. Additionally, I've recently brought some shoes that I would love to wear outside the house.
Attached you will find my resume. I am nothing short of a miracle worker, having worked in DC public schools. You can see that I worked with some ghetto ass kids. Although my title reads teacher, I was also a mother, nurse/doctor (all types from anesthesiologist to ear, nose and throat specialist), psychologist, and dentist (yes, I had to pull out a tooth). I should be able to get any job in New York after surviving that gig.
The adults in the building were equally as ghetto and unqualified. They were, however, certifiable. They also could not dress if their life depended on it, which made for very difficult work days. I should have gotten a medal for working with them and having to look at them, but I digress.
My volunteer work as well as my previous experiences demonstrate my strange affinity toward working with poor families. I understand that you have some, so naturally, I will be happy to work with them.
I can be reached at my cell phone, however, I may or may not pick up seeing as I have Sprint. It depends on what room I am in and if the phone service is up and running. It's hit or miss. I expect to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Josephine Hall
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Weeding
Ok, so yesterday I spent quite a bit of time pulling just some of the weeds out of my already hurting grass. They tell us that weeds pull the nutrients from the grass preventing it from being the best it could be. And as I pulled these weeds, which were so shallow, I thought "damn isn't this a powerful message!" While they were easy to pull, there were just so many! I kept pulling and pulling determined to let my grass breathe again and let my grass have its water instead of the weeds. Then, I came across some that were a little deeper. Those needed a little more digging into the soil. But I got 'em!
We can stand to learn from gardeners who know the impact of weeds on their gardens and focus much of their energy on nurturing plants and flowers. You see, our weeds come in the form of envy, pride, greed, insults, put-downs, etc. All of which, I think, can be traced to one root--INSECURITY.
Recently, we saw a man kill eight co-workers after being fired. He failed to realize that the weeds were being pulled from his yard. There was an opportunity to move forward and flourish. He was too insecure to simply leave these people behind and move on. He had something to prove to everyone else and in the end turned the gun on himself. Insecurity at its absolute worst.
On the opposite end, we heard about a flight attendant who decided to pull the weeds from his yard who is now yielded as a hero to some. He was so secure with himself, he decided to make a big exit off an airplane, grabbing some beers on the way out. He had nothing more to lose and saw something positive coming his way. We have yet to see what will become of him, but my expectations are high, because, well, his seem to be for himself.
Personally, I've had to pick some weeds this year. Other people's insecurities became my problem. I don't mean lending a listening ear to a friend who needs help. I'm talking about being accused of something I did not do, being bullied by an insecure, lonely co-worker. I'm talking about someone who successfully planted a seed of doubt (in the workplace) as to my character.
I don't by any means think I'm better than anyone. However, I do know that I am doing my best to live my best life. I am doing my best to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, employee etc. While I'm aware that I can ALWAYS do better, I have reached a place of satisfaction. AND THAT is a weed to some people. A big threat.
So, in my security with myself, I took these challenges as something I needed to learn. I still have lots to learn and the beauty of it is that I'm OPEN TO IT. Being secure with myself allows me to value others and their nurturing of my growth and not see their security as a threat.
The grass on your side can be greener, just get rid of those damn weeds!
We can stand to learn from gardeners who know the impact of weeds on their gardens and focus much of their energy on nurturing plants and flowers. You see, our weeds come in the form of envy, pride, greed, insults, put-downs, etc. All of which, I think, can be traced to one root--INSECURITY.
Recently, we saw a man kill eight co-workers after being fired. He failed to realize that the weeds were being pulled from his yard. There was an opportunity to move forward and flourish. He was too insecure to simply leave these people behind and move on. He had something to prove to everyone else and in the end turned the gun on himself. Insecurity at its absolute worst.
On the opposite end, we heard about a flight attendant who decided to pull the weeds from his yard who is now yielded as a hero to some. He was so secure with himself, he decided to make a big exit off an airplane, grabbing some beers on the way out. He had nothing more to lose and saw something positive coming his way. We have yet to see what will become of him, but my expectations are high, because, well, his seem to be for himself.
Personally, I've had to pick some weeds this year. Other people's insecurities became my problem. I don't mean lending a listening ear to a friend who needs help. I'm talking about being accused of something I did not do, being bullied by an insecure, lonely co-worker. I'm talking about someone who successfully planted a seed of doubt (in the workplace) as to my character.
I don't by any means think I'm better than anyone. However, I do know that I am doing my best to live my best life. I am doing my best to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, employee etc. While I'm aware that I can ALWAYS do better, I have reached a place of satisfaction. AND THAT is a weed to some people. A big threat.
So, in my security with myself, I took these challenges as something I needed to learn. I still have lots to learn and the beauty of it is that I'm OPEN TO IT. Being secure with myself allows me to value others and their nurturing of my growth and not see their security as a threat.
The grass on your side can be greener, just get rid of those damn weeds!
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